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| I'm on fall break right now. It's nice. I've been taking a lot of pictures. Most of which are for my black and white photography class and I have yet to get any of them processed, but I got out my digital camera today and went downtown to take some pictures. It's been a long time since I have been up early enough to see the sunrise. It was really pretty. If your interested, the top six from this morning can be seen here:
www.flickr.com/photos/stephenn6289
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| I feel a distinct tension within my mind and my heart. There is a place deep within me that longs for child-like faith, for unquestioning spirituality. I desire so strongly to focus my entire being on an idea and for it to change me from the inside out. I desire to live, to love, to not care what others think and say about me. But there is another place that cannot stand the idea of living a lie. It refuses to follow anything without assurance that it is true. It views spirituality as wacky. It enjoys the safety of reason. I suppose it is a very good thing that God is such a mystery. It would be very disappointing if we could understand him. I wish I could trust what my heart wants me to believe. There is so much at stake. | | |
| Well, I always love looking back and reading past xanga entries. Today, I decided to reread the writing leading up to leaving for college last year. It was neat to see how far I've come. It did, however, make me sad. I haven't spent any time in Ocala since January. I miss my family, my friends, my church, my room, my favorite restaurants, my "secret spots", the beach, and those beautiful florida springs. Well, I've finally realized what I always took for granted. I hope to make it back soon. | | |
| So, I'm not sure if anyone reads this, but here goes nothing. Life has changed a lot in the past four months since my last entry. If you are still wondering what happened to my pictures on here, I now post them at www.flickr.com/stephenn6289 because it's easier and faster. So, if you want to see them, go there. In other news, I worked at a camp in Tennessee all summer. It was pretty awesome, but exhausting. It's nice to be taking a break now. I look forward to this coming semester. I'm taking 2 religion classes, 1 philosophy class, 2 PE classes, and an art class. Pretty exciting stuff.
If anyone is getting sick of all this meaningless babble, I'll spare you any other useless information and jump ahead to things that matter. Please pray for me that I continue to hold fast to the truths that are daily becoming more real to me. Also, pray that I budget well as I'm trying to be responsible and pay for school. That's pretty much it. | | |
| I loathe the perpetual desire for that which I do not have. It seems that life is a great playground filled with children. Each has a toy and some have more than others. But everyone has an eye on the toys they aren't playing with. Some people have toys that a prettier than ours and we want those instead. So we take it from them and ignore their tears. Eventually this toy becomes boring. You see, it's not a shiny up close and some new toys have come to the playground. Across the room, we see something else catch our eye and we take that too. Eventually we get bored again and wonder if there is any perfect toy. We keep searching, but can't find it.
Is life nothing more than Plato's restless ruler? He goes from one passion to another, never devoting his life to anything. I know it isn't, I just wish I would see it more than I read it, live it more than I dream it.
It isn't just materialism that afflicts me, it occurs all the time. Today is beautiful, but I caught myself wishing for the beauty of autumn. WHY? it just became spring. I find myself wishing for different seasons, different days, different food in the caf, different books, and different people. Why can't we find contentment. I believe some do, but I see so many that don't. We set ourselves up with impossible expectations and then wonder why life never seems to go as we plan. We seek the good, but don't live it ourselves. Life can be so disappointing.
I had a rough morning. It's just another day. It will pass. But I will only live for about 30,000 days if I'm lucky, so I'm kinda upset that one is going bad. Especially when I think that 7,000 of those are already gone. Of course my days are pretty good compared to those in Haiti, or Iraq, or China, or just about anywhere in the world. Who am I to complain? What makes me think that I deserve anything better than those slaving away in the rest of the world. I plan to have a wonderful day and not let the little annoyances of life affect me. It's just frustrating. Life goes on.
I thank God that I am not alone. Life is too precious to waste. I pray that I will share my toys and give them away instead of trying to get more. The latter hasn't worked out so well yet, both for me and for the world. I pray that the reality of the cross will come to life and change the way we see the world. I pray for love; a love that rises above self-centered living. Amen.
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